How to become a seasoned psytrance veteran

Are you hoping to attend your first-ever trance party in the near future? Maybe you’ve been around the block a couple of times but still don’t feel like you’ve earned your psychedelic colours.  Either way, these handy tips will help you cruise your way to psylebrity stardom in no time. *Please note that this post is satirical.

1. Plan your parties according to whether or not there will be material wristbands.

festival material wristband

Remember that the more wristbands you have, the more experienced and awesome you are. Brownie points if you carefully craft all your wristbands into a belt for your saddle bag.

2. Give unwarranted party advice to strangers.

party advice

This includes telling other festival goers to smile more, or attempting to rile up those whose body aren’t moving fast enough for your liking.

3. Forbid anyone from displaying any kind of grief for the duration of the party.

festival advice

It doesn’t matter what happens, you’ll deal with it later.

4. Offer a deep and meaningful quote about “living in the present” to anyone who asks you for the time.

time is illusion

5. Silently (or not so silently) criticise anyone who disagrees with your substance of choice.

you know nothing

6. Wear something that appropriates someone else’s culture just for the sake of it.

cultural appropriation bindi

And stand by your decision with conviction when people call you out for it. (Disclaimer warning: No, we’re not being serious).

7. Complain about how much better parties used to be in the “good old days.”

good old days

8. Act as the middle man in someone else’s drug deal.

drug deal chronic

You have so many connections. You’re so cool.

9. Critique at least one DJ for being too progressive for your taste.

i am so bored

10. Judge anyone who is wearing shoes.

barefoot earthing

Explain to them what earthing is, and why it’s so important.

11. Show off your tattoos to someone else who also has tattoos.

tattoo show offs

12. Brag about how you know the “organisers.”

I'm so cool

13. Envelop someone in a hug when they’re least expecting it. 

awkward hug

Preferably someone you’ve never met before.

14. Choose one spot on the dance-floor and occupy that spot religiously. Even if that means physically assaulting people who cross your path. 

wild dancing

Just close your eyes and feel the music, man.

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